worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
