why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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