just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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