Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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