Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
