My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize