I molested 6 butterflies tonight
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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