Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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