K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
