He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
