honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
