True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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