There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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