Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
