did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
