My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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