Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
