My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
