Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
