I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
