If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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