my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Little spoons don't ask big questions
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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