I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
