Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
