i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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