He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
