and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize