What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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