tell your sister to shave her snatch
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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