Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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