My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
