you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
