Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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