found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
