I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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