Will you blow on my dice?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
