so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
