a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
