last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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