I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
