If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Is it because I queefed?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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