I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
