Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
