Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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