I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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