guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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