it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
