I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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