I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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