"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize