She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
