The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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