Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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