My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
What a dumb baby whore.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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