he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
