dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
