WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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